Cupcakes and Strategy
Image: Antique lotus shoes
Throughout my 25-year corporate career, I did all.the.things my companies wanted. Worked hard, stayed growth-minded, led with empathy, all the jazz. But, I also found myself on shaky ground because I pushed an agenda too hard or spoke up too much.
I was a victim of the double-bind. If you’re a woman in business, you’ve likely heard this term…it refers to backlash or negative feedback women face when they are unable to display both warmth and competence. We must be warm, but not weak. We must be competent but not aggressive.
The double-bind is a tightrope.
The double-bind crosses industries, impacts governments, and even influences one-to-one relationships, such as those with clients. The characteristics of competence and warmth vary by person and situation. Hitting the right note requires vigilance and, frankly, is exhausting.
Academics Morela Hernandez (University of Michigan), Tiffany Trzebiatowski (Colorado State University) and Courtney McCluney (Cornell University) co-wrote the study, “Managing the Double Bind: Women Directors’ Participation Tactics in the Gendered Boardroom,”. They wrote “A troubling outcome of our work is that women must never stop adapting to gendered expectations.” They also said that navigating those expectations may “explain the disproportionate levels of burnout that women experience.” I felt it. I bet you do too.
But here's the deal: anger fuels change. I'm angry about the double-bind, and above that anger is my fierce desire for us all to win. So, let's tackle this head-on. When you’ve mastered something, it no longer exhausts you. Let’s memorize the techniques below until they're second nature, making them your superpower without draining you.
Five techniques to ensure you’re viewed as warm AND competent:
Stop using qualifiers. Drop the following words and phrases from your vocabulary: Just, maybe, I think, probably, very, may I, excuse me, I’m sorry, this might be a basic question, etc. See No. 2 and 3 below for how to better use your speaking time.
Add warm openers. It’s easy for successful, smart, expert women to be viewed as aggressive, so make sure to amp up the warmth. Start meetings with warm, memorable questions, such as “tell me some joy” or “if you’re the weather, what’s your current forecast.” (BTW - I learned the “tell me some joy” example is from one of my most impactful male bosses!)
Add brief framing statements. This is one of the THE most powerful things to do! Research shows that framing can reduce the assertiveness backlash by 27%! Framing looks like this: “I feel [decision] is a matter of trust. Because it’s a matter of values, it’s important for me to be clear about where I stand.” Another option “I know it’s a risk for women to speak this assertively, but I’m going to express my opinion very directly.”
Take up space. You can increase your executive presence by taking up more, not less, space. Keep your remarks collaborative and then up the competence impression by spreading out, draping an arm over the chair next to you, and maintaining strong eye contact when you’re speaking.
Be succinct. Data shows that men who talk voluminously are viewed as more credible, but it’s the opposite for women. Pre-plan your soundbites and end your statements with strength.
We know the double-bind is a load of unfair nonsense. Ugh. But rather than complain, let’s win the daily game by using the techniques above. AND, let’s work together to change the workplace dynamics. To do so, we’ll each need to speak up, point out biases, and rewrite the narrative. As someone once challenged during a talent review, "Would we even be having this conversation if she were a guy?"
We know you can bring the cupcakes and rock the strategy. You got this.
BTW - you know what can help you navigate tricky situations? Your women friends with whom you talk shop. That’s what we’re creating within the Muriel Network community. If you and I both go, it will be incredible.
